Football Manners Simplified for Desis

Dos, Don’ts and Whys of Watching Soccer in English Pubs or with Drunk Englishmen

1. Choose your pub mates wisely – those who can hold their drinks along with their emotions are the only ones you are safe with. A rapidly deteriorating match is  directly proportional to the copious amounts of ale and beer in the English belly. What follows a defeat or draw will depend on your wise choice of mates

2. Keep in mind that the English are crazy – they bash you and then question whether you deserved to be bashed

3. Cheering for the right team can earn you a free pint, wrong side a blackeye. 

4. Learn to look the other way when the Englishmen make on-field or off-field blunders.  Sniggering at their goof ups and merry clapping when the opponent scores can land you in the situation described in point 2.

5. Remember to cheer for any team playing against France – the English and the French can’t stand each other much like India and Pakistan. 

6. Choose the venue to watch the match carefully. If you opt for a pub far away from home, do a quick recce of the drinking quarters to acquaint yourself with possible hiding places to hide for that drunken football slob keen to bash up the first thing he can get his hands on to vent his ire at his team’s shortcomings.

7. Indians would do well to keep their ‘chugli’ (rabblerousing in broader context)well under control. Deliberate attempts to needle the already irritated football fan can cause grievous injury to your health and well being.

8. Indians need to remember that matching a European in size and girth is like Jerry thinking he can fight Tom on equal terms without cheating. You are advised to look into the mirror before puffing yourself up on beer and bravado.

9. Deliberate sniggers at levels audible over the pub din , merry clapping when the English team appears like eleven uncoordinated village bumpkins or loud whoops let out to celebrate  misguided Anglo missiles meant for the goalpost that land somewhere in the far corner of the stadium will not be taken too happily by the humourless Brits.

10. If unavoidable situations do come up when the urge to indulge in behaviour explained in the above point happens ( like when Rob Greene decides to offer USA a draw in a platter by trying to scramble on the grass mimicking a toddler around a ball) refer to point 2 and 6 and 8

11. Indians have little to cheer for during the World Cup other than for countries imagined as one’s own. However, if the bug to cheer for something desi bites hard, check for the Mahindra Satyam boards that can be sometimes spotted around the stadium among the sponsors.

12. Learn to separate your sports passions. Revelling in Australia’s nightmarish mauling at the hands of Germans can also be seen as reverse racism for all the grief India has faced from the Aussies in Oz land and on the cricket field. (Psst...warning:There are also many Australians roaming incognito on the streets in UK too. Point 8 applies in this context too) 

13. Hooting loudly or appearing to be enthusiastic about the game by doing the bhangra before and after each goal also can cause untold damage to your health and property. The threat can be from not just angry Europeans but also from unexpected corners thought to be occupied by deshvasis.

14. The vuvuzela might look like a cool instrument to you and the Africans. The rest of the world would rather they remain largely unheard of. The 'pleasure' you render to eardrums with a cheerful rendition might lead to 'counter pleasure'  from a hearty slap delivered across your face.

15. Learning the theory of living and let live might come in handy while watching a football match in an English pub. Choose your matches wisely. It's preferable to stay indoors if an English match is scheduled for 7.30PM UK Time on a Fri, Sat or Sun..