Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Football Manners Simplified for Desis


Dos, Don’ts and Whys of Watching Soccer in English Pubs or with Drunk Englishmen
1. Choose your pub mates wisely – those who can hold their drinks along with their emotions are the only ones you are safe with. A rapidly deteriorating match is  directly proportional to the copious amounts of ale and beer in the English belly. What follows a defeat or draw will depend on your wise choice of mates
2. Keep in mind that the English are crazy – they bash you and then question whether you deserved to be bashed
3. Cheering for the right team can earn you a free pint, wrong side a blackeye. 
4. Learn to look the other way when the Englishmen make on-field or off-field blunders.  Sniggering at their goof ups and merry clapping when the opponent scores can land you in the situation described in point 2.
5. Remember to cheer for any team playing against France – the English and the French can’t stand each other much like India and Pakistan. 
6. Choose the venue to watch the match carefully. If you opt for a pub far away from home, do a quick recce of the drinking quarters to acquaint yourself with possible hiding places to hide for that drunken football slob keen to bash up the first thing he can get his hands on to vent his ire at his team’s shortcomings.

7. Indians would do well to keep their ‘chugli’ (rabblerousing in broader context)well under control. Deliberate attempts to needle the already irritated football fan can cause grievous injury to your health and well being.
8. Indians need to remember that matching a European in size and girth is like Jerry thinking he can fight Tom on equal terms without cheating. You are advised to look into the mirror before puffing yourself up on beer and bravado.
9. Deliberate sniggers at levels audible over the pub din , merry clapping when the English team appears like eleven uncoordinated village bumpkins or loud whoops let out to celebrate  misguided Anglo missiles meant for the goalpost that land somewhere in the far corner of the stadium will not be taken too happily by the humourless Brits.
10. If unavoidable situations do come up when the urge to indulge in behaviour explained in the above point happens ( like when Rob Greene decides to offer USA a draw in a platter by trying to scramble on the grass mimicking a toddler around a ball) refer to point 2 and 6 and 8
11. Indians have little to cheer for during the World Cup other than for countries imagined as one’s own. However, if the bug to cheer for something desi bites hard, check for the Mahindra Satyam boards that can be sometimes spotted around the stadium among the sponsors.
12. Learn to separate your sports passions. Revelling in Australia’s nightmarish mauling at the hands of Germans can also be seen as reverse racism for all the grief India has faced from the Aussies in Oz land and on the cricket field. (Psst...warning:There are also many Australians roaming incognito on the streets in UK too. Point 8 applies in this context too) 
13. Hooting loudly or appearing to be enthusiastic about the game by doing the bhangra before and after each goal also can cause untold damage to your health and property. The threat can be from not just angry Europeans but also from unexpected corners thought to be occupied by deshvasis.
14. The vuvuzela might look like a cool instrument to you and the Africans. The rest of the world would rather they remain largely unheard of. The 'pleasure' you render to eardrums with a cheerful rendition might lead to 'counter pleasure'  from a hearty slap delivered across your face.
15. Learning the theory of living and let live might come in handy while watching a football match in an English pub. Choose your matches wisely. It's preferable to stay indoors if an English match is scheduled for 7.30PM UK Time on a Fri, Sat or Sun..


37 comments:

  1. But at least it's only once every 4 years and we take it all in good humour the rest of the time...

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  2. :) Point well taken, Anonymous English loyalist. This post was just another tongue-in-cheek look at the crazy crazy month of football in UK..I stand corrected on my jibe about humourless Brits..:)

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  3. Rules 3. and 4. also apply if you happen to find yourself at a match, supporting the away-team, and packed into a section of the stadium with all the home fans. As a Leeds United fan, too lazy to tavel to Leeds, I've been in that situation at various London grounds on more than one occasion - and generally seen Leeds lose too.

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  4. Arrey wah wah wah,awesome post for the in thing at the moment,yea they sure love their football the way we love are cricket(prbly mre :P)....From the emotion in the post i guess u must have had a blackeye coz of some wrong football etiquettes ;)

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  5. Asia cup is started with the interested opening match between Pakistan and Srilanka. so all the

    dreamers of cricket wants to watch again India and Pakistan Match.
    so watch live and give the comments about the whole matches are specially Indo, Pak match.

    http://www.livetv.pk

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  6. Ahh good points..I have never watched a match in a PUB.. but will keep these points in mind :)

    The football fever is exactly like cricket fever in India...

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  7. Paul: I quake thinking of travelling by tube in London on a day of the match. I remember taking the train to West Brompton from Clapham Jn and there were these hoardes of Chelsea fans...Huge towering giants in Chelsea colours and hanging guts, guzzling beer like water from cans.

    WJ: I try to steer clear of trouble. Restrict myself to Uni pubs for most of the time, but you can see the tiny tadpoles here too who will become the bully frogs of tomorrow at football matches..:)

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  8. Magiceye: :) thank you..

    LP: Next time you go to Stork, go on a match day..Be a fly on the wall...Good fun

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  10. If any crazed English football fan tries to take panga with you, burst their eardrums with the Vuvuzela.

    Should work.

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  11. I must have done something bad in a former life to have a son who supports Leeds United. He was brought up to revere Arsenal, who have the most well-mannered fans on the planet (I wish).

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  12. Purba: The vuvuzela is most interesting as a tonguetwister when two pints down..;)

    Roy: Won't it be sweet revenge if Paul's sons began rooting for some Indian FC like Mohan Bagan or East Bengal? Paul will writhe in agony that will be nothing compared to dilemma now..;)

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  13. Sir Pumpkin Longshanks17 June 2010 06:45

    Did you jump on to the WC (world cup and not Water closet) band wagon?!??!?! I hate it when people do that.

    On a lighter note I would love to see if there exists a similar exposition online about how to avoid insufferable americans who think real highly of their 'soccer' (rolls eyes) team and make fun of the fucked up Indian team which hasn't made it to the finals since '51.

    Fuck Cricket. Go football. (c) 2010

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  14. Very nice read. It reminded me of the last Euros when I almost got beaten up by some German fans. I was taking pictures of them right after they lost. Thankfully I remembered what Jenny said to Forrest Gump "Listen, you promise me something, OK? Just if you're ever in trouble, don't be brave. You just run, OK? Just run away." :)

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  15. Loved the link between points. Same here in South Korea, the soccer fever is very much on.....Will keep those points in mind while watching Korea vs Argentina today. :)
    Keep cheering:)

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  16. Nice one. Watching matches in pubs is becoming popular in Mumbai too. But the lack of real passion and involvement makes it very thanda in comparison.

    My Mom's visiting us now and we have Colors, NDTV Imagine and Zee playing on our TV through the day. The Vuvuzela seems quite soothing in comparison

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  17. Sir Longshanks: Your US hatred does not bode well for Indian foreign policy I say..Turn the tables on Americans and laugh at their cricket skills. Thats one game where US and China are still wondering where to stick the three wickets into..;) As for my Brit jibes, I'm waiting to be knighted by the queen on her next birthday to turn loyalist. I fancy a Dame Journomuse..;)

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  18. Anfield: Well, its just about replacing the Brits with any other Football crazy European nation..The Germans are emotionless too along with being humourless..Note: I cut off humourless from the Brits after anonymous protests..:D

    Guru: I shall raise a toast to you during Argentina-South Korea match here in the UK..:)As I was writing the piece, I realised that the end result is often getting bashed up, linking the points seemed the short cut to writing it again..;)

    The Knife: I watched the last two football world cups in Mondy's and the Sports bar. Though must say the atmosphere of pubs here is a totally different feeling. perhaps its the involvement..As for vuvuzelas, it hurts the ears after two direct blasts..grrrrrrrrr...maybe some of your food treats might soothe tempers...:)

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  19. Nicely written. It happens in India sometime too. I have seen people who didnt take breakfast for England making it a draw with US and people celebrating for the mistake of the goal keeper in that match.
    And anfield //"Listen, you promise me something, OK? Just if you're ever in trouble, don't be brave. You just run, OK? Just run away." :)// lols

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  20. ahah! Love you comic timing, but I was rolling on the floor by the 2nd point! Ok, let me read the whole thing now

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  21. Annasarp: Football in England makes people go crazy...literally..Like the McDonald's line goes " I'm lovin it.."

    Vinni: Some day some day we will be chanting in India too " To the bar to the bar to the baaaaaaar" ;)

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  22. Sir Pumpkin Longshanks17 June 2010 17:45

    @Journomouse

    That is bcz, cricket is a f-ing gay sport. No doubt about it. It is probably a contender for the 'worst sport of the millenium' award.

    So, no I don't feel at all great that India has failed to qualify for the WC since '51. Of course, the qualification route in the Asian football confederation is to blame for it and I don't see India qualifying until that is changed.

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  23. Sir Pumpkin Longshanks17 June 2010 17:46

    @Journomouse That is bcz, cricket is a f-ing gay sport. No doubt about it. It is probably a contender for the 'worst sport of the millenium' award. So, no I don't feel at all great that India has failed to qualify for the WC since '51. Of course, the qualification route in the Asian football confederation is to blame for it and I don't see India qualifying until that is changed.
    Comment as: Edit Settings – Sign out

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  24. Excellent Job! Loved reading this. :)

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  25. Sir Longshanks: Vitriolically opinionated aren't you? nice nice...a good debate is always wonderful..im a loyal cricket supporter. But then again, the game does not emasculate my feminity much..so Im a happy supporter..:D

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  26. Nice post.By the way,did you watch any football match in a pub with your friends? Well vuvuzelas are not liked by any other.I wonder why south africans cant understand,it is taking charm out of football.Well,well remember these points if ever visit a pub in england for watching football.Will let my friends there in uk to be careful :P.

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  27. Nithin: This was written after watching the England-US match in a pub..The rapidly changing colours of the frustrated English fan is indeed a sight to watch. Apparently there were a couple of American guys who got punched in the pub next to ours for shouting loud when the US was taking corners

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  28. This is absolutely brilliant :)
    My favorites,
    "3. Cheering for the right team can earn you a free pint, wrong side a blackeye. "

    and,

    5. Remember to cheer for any team playing against France – the English and the French can’t stand each other much like India and Pakistan.

    Cheers :)

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  29. Brilliant post :)
    #3 was the most impressive :D

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  30. IHM, chatterbox: I swear, honest observations..;)

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  31. I have no doubts on your honesty.
    Loved the superb narration of your observations :)

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  32. It (Cricket) is probably a contender for the 'worst sport of the millenium' award

    Not really Longshanks, that honour belongs to baseball.

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  33. Nicely written!! But I thought the English were particular about calling the game 'football' and not 'soccer' :P

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  34. Well, very particular...Soccer is for the cheap Americans..:D

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