Thursday, July 01, 2010

This is Going to Hurt Just a Little Bit!!!!

My bucket of woes overfloweth. Got here just in time for my dentist to begin his protracted and may I add, calculated rape of my gravely endangered set of 32..(Not sure I have 32 anymore!!) 

Every sitting that I go to him for, he finds new things wrong with my teeth. So in two sittings, I am halfway through a root canal, the mandatory gum cleaning and an assorted number of fillings. Every time, he suggests a new procedure, I console myself - imagine shelling out pounds. In the money, I would have had to shell out to my UK dentist ( who would have taken longer to grant me an audience as well) I can buy a dentist and his practice in Kochi..

After chuckling over my vivid description of what transpires on the dentist's chair ( stop imagining wicked things - he does everything with his dentist wife looking over his shoulder :) my friend e-mailed me this poem. I had read it sometime when I was in school but had forgotten about it,till she reminded me of it. 

Reproducing it for all those who have been on the dentist's chair or know how lousy it feels. Psych Babbler, you for one, are in my thoughts..:)

This Is Going To Hurt Just A Little Bit by Ogden Nash

One thing I like less than most things is sitting in a dentist chair with my mouth wide open.
And that I will never have to do it again is a hope that I am against hope hopen.
Because some tortures are physical and some are mental,
But the one that is both is dental.
It is hard to be self-possessed
With your jaw digging into your chest.

So hard to retain your calm
When your fingernails are making serious alterations in your life line or love line or some other important line in your palm;
So hard to give your usual effect of cheery benignity
When you know your position is one of the two or three in life most lacking in dignity.

And your mouth is like a section of road that is being worked on.
And it is all cluttered up with stone crushers and concrete mixers and drills and steam rollers and there isn’t a nerve in your head thatyou aren’t being irked on.

Oh, some people are unfortunate enough to be strung up by thumbs.
And others have things done to their gums,
And your teeth are supposed to be being polished,
But you have reason to believe they are being demolished.

And the circumstance that adds most to your terror
Is that it’s all done with a mirror,
Because the dentist may be a bear, or as the Romans used to say, only they were referring to a feminine bear when they said it, an ursa,
But all the same how can you be sure when he takes his crowbar in one hand and mirror in the other he won’t get mixed up, the way you do when you try to tie a bow tie with the aid of a mirror, and forget that left is right and vice versa?

And then at last he says That will be all; but it isn’t because he then coats your mouth from cellar to roof
With something that I suspect is generally used to put a shine on a horse’s hoof.

And you totter to your feet and think. Well it’s all over now and afterall it was only this once.
And he says come back in three months.

And this, O Fate, is I think the most vicious circle that thou ever sentest,
That Man has to go continually to the dentist to keep his teeth in good condition
when the chief reason he wants his teeth in good condition
is so that he won’t have to go to the dentist.


  1. oh yes! thanks for reviving this poem! love ogden nash!
    best wishes for all those 'sittings' which will give you refreshed pearlies!

  2. haha lolz.... nice poem with dental experiance

  3. I absolutely loved this poem when we did it back in school! It was witty, amusing and rhymed! He's a great poet. And it's nice that you can find a silver lining in all the procedures at the mo...definitely comparing the rupees and pounds helps! =)

  4. I got perfect teeth.

    Do da chicken dance.

    I do sympathize, though.

  5. hey! I am a big Ogden fan too-he gives such witty turns to everyday woes!!
    Here is wishing you dental wellness.

  6. loved the poem...
    It sure is painful to be in a dentist's chair..
    I hope you come out in one piece :) good luck..

  7. No wonder they called it "teething problem". It's a perennial and universal problem, eh? Hate it when you have to keep your jaw wide open, and the doc goes blah, blah, blah...and you have no way to tell him/her "shut up, will you!"

  8. Ha Ha... nicely written... I finally figured what your name up there was after reading it signed at the end of the post. For the life of my I was not getting it right the last few times I tried a breaking it down and lost patience.

  9. Hi just started following you through IHM and SAGS.Loved why oh why ..btw i am a dentist and I loved the poem.Always knew people get scared of dentists but this was an eye opener ,funny:D

  10. Haha, Sharmila: No offence meant to your profession. Welcome to my blog..:)

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  12. Truly a very interesting poem! I agree that a lot of people get scared with the prospect of going to the dentist. Probably the author too, is afraid of his own dentist. The poking and drilling can be a bit frightening sometimes.

    My brother went to visit his dentist last week for porcelain veneers. Chicago and other areas in the country have excellent and friendly practitioners that patients can be comfortable with. Some clinics also offer sedation dentistry (Chicago and other places) to help the patient go through the process. Laughing gas or a pill can help increase the tolerance level of a person to a given procedure.

    Thanks for sharing the poem. Simply hilarious!