Wednesday, May 23, 2012

A Bit of Take and Lots of Give!

So today I was on Facebook and realised another friend has decided to take the plunge - sacrifice the so far safely guarded singledom for the joys of (un)holy matrimony. The way I mention matrimony must give you an idea of how I weary I am of the topic! If there is one subject that has been the bane of my parents' life over the past five years - one that has dominated conversations in our nuclear household of dad, mom, sister and I, it has to be the question of when are we sisters getting married?

I had looked at a related topic in my post Whats with One True Love? However, then I was far far away from India, snugly comfortable in grey England, free to be fiery and rebellious since the society there lets a stranger live their life quietly without the usual questions in India, 'So what does your better half do?" ( the better half of me contemplates what the other half is about to do - because the right hand never knows when the left hand is going to be up to punch you!) 'How many children do you have?' (Currently, I am in the 'out of wedlock' phase, wondering if I should add a couple more to the population, without disturbing the relationship status) See, now I'm an inherently well-brought up child, polite to a fault. So all these are responses that dance around in my brain while I laugh sheepishly and mouth the right answers - Oh you see, I'm not married! or No no, no children yet!

The other day, I sat down with my best friend, who incidentally is also taking the deep plunge later this year to figure out how concepts of marriage have changed and along with it our expectations. Let me give you a background. My friend and I never run out of topics. We choose a broad area and then start free-wheeling discussions that might look like Google suggestions - you know the links that take you to websites you never thought could have connected material?? Well, whenever we talk of marriage, we end up discussing even colours of nail-polish and/or the price of bhindi and baingan. It is all connected, if you don't see the link, well, next time you are invited to silently audit the discussion. No, you can't participate, but you can hear our conversations. (We pride ourselves on being deep-thinking individuals with very original thoughts!)

The conversation began with our weariness over all things domestic - the maid's unflexibile timing that limits my chances to leave early for a lunch date with her, the rising rents that make living in Mumbai alone such a pain, the pressures of a media job that leave hardly no time for a social life or even for a more fulfilling personal life. This is where the topic marriage sneaks a back-door entry. Mamma has once again raised the topic of me growing older, she concurs that her aai thinks this year is a good time to take the plunge of faith.

The catch is multiple - for one, financial independence and the ability to live without someone to 'make life easier' means that the premium laid on marriage is higher. Finding an eligible man, who earns enough to take care of a family and is also decent enough to be presented before parents are no more the only yardsticks.Sometimes, we agree there's no method to this madness. 'Clicking' together and 'clicking' right is equally important. The expectations from a partner have gone from the practical domain into a largely emotional domain. And the reason, as mentioned earlier, is the financial independence that women enjoy as well as the courage to live life alone, on our own terms. The need today is for companionship, shared goals and therefore the reticence to settle for someone who offers to provide food, shelter and companionship as a by-product.

Now marriage is a complex topic with complex rationales and algorithms that might explain a successful alliance or the probability of the match succeeding to stay together life-long. Maybe other aspects will be brought up in the comments sections (as I have realised these days. I always tell readers to go down the comments section too - so many well-thought out comments give other aspects of the debate that my sometimes linear, otherwise muddled post missed!) However, there is yet another myth we always talk about - how it is untrue to say there are more failed marriages now than among the earlier generations. Statistically and legally, you could perhaps argue that and score yourself a point. But I know several sets of parents among friends and family, who lived out their lives in unhappy marriages, out of societal and familial pressures. They were no less unhappy than many are today, perhaps it might not have been on the account of wanting to balance careers and personal lives or independence and dependence. But it wasn't like they were less issues. I think that point of view is a gross overgeneralisation. They suffered silently and took the blows as their just or unjust deliverance. They cribbed, grew bitter or turned to God and godliness or took out their frustrations elsewhere. Today, realities are different and therefore our approach to problems and the solutions arrived at!

In fact, I am of the view that the much-battered reason for marriage - companionship in old age is also not a sustainable reason. There are several more youngsters preferring to stay single. They are already building social communities that offer friendship, companionship and support in other ways. Who knows how our societal structure would be in a decade from now?? We extrapolate on the basis of what we have lived and seen. I live in a different reality from what my parents have lived in and therefore I have a more optimistic outlook that I won't end up bitter and lonely if I'm not married! But if there is one concept of marriage that I believe weathers all the decades past and those to come eternally - it is that Marriage is a Bit of Take and Lots of Give! When you find the person you feel you can give a lot of yourself to while taking just a bit in return, then I think you have hit on the secret formula to success!!

On a funny note, I have been trying to arrive at the reason why there is a sudden spate of marriages among my social circle this year. So far in the past four or five years, the average of friends getting married have been at best one or two. 2012 seems to be a watershed year...( can't stop laughing at the term watershed-  interpreted literally,  you know where that line of thought will take you!) Maybe the Mayan prophecy of 2012 being the end of the world is not so wrong after all - for many in my universe, it is the end of the world as they know it! Now that's the best part about prophesies. If you want to believe it, its just about interpreting realities to suit your premise! On that cheeky note, a toast to all those getting knotty and knotted! :)

(Image courtesy: Baloo's Cartoon Blog, Cartoon Resource)

24 comments:

  1. Deepthy, this is such a personal issue that I would prefer to only nod to all scenarios depicted in such effortless manner by you, which is mature way beyond the number of summers you have seen! I only wish you happiness in whatever way you decide to live your life:)

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    1. :) thank you Rahul, I love that you chose silence in diplomacy. But I must tell you completely frankly that I often actively take on the role of the devil's advocate, much to my poor parents' chagrin. My point of writing this post was to re-examine whether the age-old reasons for marrying and staying married still hold in today's scenario. Should that be the points of pressure applied - and this is not about girls alone. Or should we re-think the reasons why we as a society are so focussed on 'seeing the young settled'. :) Would love to hear your views on this.

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    2. Deepthy, frankly getting married at an age is helpful with the right partner for following reasons a) A partner for life to share best times and few sorrows b) Someone who is your friend who understands your emotional needs c) Raising a family and having lead a fuller life to see all the fun of growing children, raising them as good members of a society. It can go on.. However if one chooses to remain single for any of her/ his reason then as mature people their views need to be respected and no coaxing should happen! I hope at least you have my views on this delicate subject:)

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    3. Yes!!! Now we are talking...One last question - Do you believe the reasons for marriage and staying marriage have remained roughly the same over say your parents' time, yours and say later your daughter's?? Or should we reassess parental/societal need to see their children married?

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    4. The basics in life never change regardless of time or age we are in.It is a question of having the right partner or if in some circumstances the individual decides to remain single! In today's world the only thing that has changed is that the boy and girl are both qualified and hence rightly should share the responsibilities post marriage equally if they happen to be working:)I may now be sounding more like a counselor:)

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    5. No no, you don't sound like a counsellor at all. I think it is in fact conversations and points and counter-points that help up flesh a debate better! And I don't profess to know it all. I might just slip over from the happily unmarried to the other category soon! But I think I will still argue these points because I believe societal pressures are on the wrong points and those points don't focus on healthy relationship building- whether love or arranged...I think expectations need to be rearranged and marriage understood for what the relationship should mean..Not for what are the fringe benefits it brings!

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    6. For the sake of debate, the smart individuals if they plan to get married must talk and understand expectations from one another and give a damn to societal pressure as it is two individuals who will lead a life together. Staying single,live-in relationship,being single mother, adoption, gay are all individual choices but each with a price tag to it, as in case of being married:)Huh! Deepthy you did get me talking:)

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    7. Now we are simplifying complex debates...and honestly, I think we must proactively think the posts and comments through! ( reason why as you would have read, I believe the comments section is often more enlightening than the post itself!!) And now I have a mighty :D on my face!! This is precisely what I set out to do when I wrote the post - debate, discuss and check if there is scope for changing a mind-set..:)

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  2. hahahah! Its funny that I am married for over six years now, but for me marriage hasnt meant a lot of give and a little take...its been pretty much equal you know...I take as much as I give ;) I think over the past six years, both of us have changed..from selfish human beings who always think 'me first' to 'oh wait, I have a spouse think about ' be it keeping that chocolate got in office to share at home with him, to making kerala ke sabji he loves and I hate, or him making me hot maggi when I am home after a horrible day at home...Marriage like you say is very complex, but in my case, I would maintain the give and take has been equal..its all about adjustment, but never about compromise :)

    Err..I agree when you say that not being married doesnt mean you are going to end up all alone in old age..thats a weird reason people give on why they want to get married...

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    1. That's really lovely and I believe R, the reasons you give are the reasons why people must stay married. Our society has skewed reasons for seeing people married - from wanting to keep the bloodline thriving, to feeding extended family and friends at weddings you scrimped and saved all your life to only be criticised for everything that you did not do, to ensure you are not without company. I think the point I was trying to make with the post is how we must reassess the reasons for marriage. :)

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    2. Honestly there is no reason to get married...I mean why should you get married, if you can have the same satisfaction without marriage...

      I would prefer a live-in than marriage..honestly..as long as..(see everything has a caveat to it :) ) there are no children involved...no I would love to have children with my live in partner the only condition being the live in is long term..we have no right to bring in kids into this world without giving then emotional stability..having said that, I must admit, I know single parents who do a great job raising their kids!

      But again, reasons for getting married..have they changed over generations..I am not sure..of course earlier a girl was supposed to get married definitely..only then she was secure with her husband's protection *Rolls eyes* but what was the basic reason for getting married..free sex? companion ship? children? I dont know...
      From personal experience, I didnt have a reason to get married..parents searched, RD's horoscope matched, we met, we married...the knowing, the loving, the fighting, the trust, the respect, everything came AFTER the marriage!

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    3. R: HIGH FIVE! Now we are talking...and these are precisely my points..When the little R grows older, I hope you teach her the value of a relationship and not the perceived societal value of a relationship status. Every individual needs to have a purpose in life and that cannot be defined by get married and follow up with the processes that follows. And here again, I'm not criticising life choices made by people, I'm just saying it can't be stamped as the norm and those not adhering to it as black sheep. Each one to their life choice and the I-told-you-so attitude need to be chucked out of the window!!

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    4. I appreciate R's Mom for accepting that a live-in relationship is fine provided it is long term. Except when marriages are abusive (and I don't mean that they have to be necessarily physically, but even emotionally so) the feeling of contentment is very much there. I can quote any number of cases both young and old who yearn for someone to call their own. I have seen young girls (not the metro ones, but small town girls who are financially independent) having friends of both sexes, who begin to blossom once they have a married life. And no matter what you say in justification of single parenting, a child feels secure with both parents. Of course in an abusive marriage (not necessarily where the husband is a control freak), a child suffers and in such cases a single parent of the softer nature should bring up the child. Yes, even if the softer one is the father.

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    5. I think it takes all kinds to make the world. It is all about what works for both involved in a relationship. Just the way, an ugly marriage is not preferable to no marriage, attempting a live-in just to cock a snook at society isn't rational behaviour as well. As said earlier too, my point through the post was to wonder whether we need to realign our priorities when we insist on marriage as a necessity. I think marriage has become such an obsession that we'd rather get people to jump into it and then swim to survive or sink than encourage them to think their reasons through for wanting to be in a relationship!

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    6. I'm with R's Mom in terms of a live-in/defacto relationship. However, I do recognise that not all countries offer the same legal rights for defacto partners. But in Aus, defacto couples have the same rights as married couples...which makes me wonder why people are so insistent on getting married even now!

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    7. Psych Babbler, there have been a few recent rulings in India that also have begun recognising the rights of live-in couples on part with married couples. The question is how we need to look at other options that people choose not as wrong or against 'nature' like moralists dictate but as a life choice made due to circumstantial reasons or personal convictions. In India, I think society dictates individual life and familial conduct more than individuals themselves unfortunately. And rabble rousing crowd behaviour is somehow seen as par for the course in case of any controversy!

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  3. Well, I really can't take sides. I have seen people who have been married for Good, and some who have been married only to be separated. I have seen singles who always crib about not having someone, and have known singles who are enjoying life to the hilt.

    The criteria to get married or stay married has changed. Women don't compromise just for a well earning settled boy, because they themsleves can get that without a marriage! A lot of them would only get married if they click emotionally. But there are a lot of girls out there, who are insecure and cannot take the pressure of the society, and decide to get married fast. The society by far remains the same. They still throw the crap shit onto single women, including people from our generation, which suprises me a lot. The old mentality of having a family and a husband is still there, and by looking at the things, that is not vanishing fast!

    If one really wants to have kids biologically and more than one, its advisable to settle fast. Considering the lifestyle we live, the earlier the better. But then there are so many other ways to be parents, and you have the option to become a single mother too. So there again, even that's no more a criteria for marriage :-)

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    1. Jenny, these are precisely the points I was trying to throw up through the piece. We need to go back to the drafting table and have a look again at why we want to get married. Yes, there are all categories of people and some handle societal pressure better than others. For those who can't and choose marriage as the way out, I hope they don't stand on the other side and call themselves martyrs and have the courage at least to call it their life choice. Those who get married and then criticise those who aren't, with the attitude that we chose to be miserable in a commitment due to social mores and rights and now you should too. Why should you choose a different route? That's my biggest grouse often...

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  4. I would not agree that a live in relationship is superior to a marriage and that when walking out is easy, things are better. IT actually makes one quit a relationship faster and soon become disillusioned. And believing that one is above any flaw is the height of self delusion too. Just as we see flaws in another person, they can see them in us too. And yes, give and take has to happen. And this holds true in any relationship of any length. Even friendship and that between siblings. For those others, there is always the option of flitting from one relationship to another and enjoying life. And of course a very colourful old age too :))

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    1. I don't think any relationship is superior over the other, everything has merits and demerits. Live-ins come with its own sets of abuses and misuses too, it isn't all rosy-smelling and without pitfalls or legal entanglements. I find we stay firm with beliefs because we are conditioned to believe them and not because we have thought it through! That really irritates me, that we use deferring to elders as a exit-strategy out of using our brains to think our decisions through. Like a few of my friends flippantly told me once, when you agree to an arranged marriage, the success or failure of it is not just yours. Your family is equally responsible for landing you in a mess or in heaven. Either ways, we are supported! I think that argument always gets my goat!!

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  5. I feel frustrated when I see many of my young associates at the clinic buckle under peer,family and societal pressure to 'settle' down for much less in an alliance as they cross 28 yrs of age.Post that everything is a rush and the girls are under tremendous pressure to start the most beautiful phase of their lives with a compromise.They are ready to compromise on qualifications,city of residence,profession and so on.It pains me to see them justify their decision.They while away their time waiting for that someone who will decide their future and parents play a big role in the resulting confusion.
    //Expectations need to be rearranged//-You say and to this I would say with a very straight face ,my dear, that it is wiser to have minimum expectations from your partner ,at the same time do not let his expectations from you rise to unrealistic levels by bending over backwards in the initial rosy phase of your love-life.Badi takleef mein pad jaoge!:D :D
    Marriage to me was a natural progression to being best friends then being in love and the deep yearning to be together in future.So far so good!I feel the decision to get married should be only based on individual need to be with that someone he/she likes/loves and not because it is something every one does so let us do it too.
    //I might just slip over from the happily unmarried to the other category soon//-Now that I superlike!!:D Let me know when to be ready with the wedding gift..

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    1. I agree with everything you say and I'm so glad you see my point, Doctor Sahiba, but as for the last part...errr..when you quote me back like that...maine aisa toh nahin kaha tha..:D I just said, I'm not the anti-marriage lobby...just in the lobby that believes marriage is not the be-all and end-all of life or the destination people should aspire for in life..:)

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  6. I hear you Journo...a lot of my peers back in India have been getting married this year. In fact, from my high school group, it's just me and another girl who aren't hitched yet. Luckily for me, not being in India helps. I don't have to listen to all the 'well-wishers' about the importance of settling down. I couldn't help but nod at most of your points about marriage and why the need is still there. Personally, I understand the need for companionship but at the same time, there is no guarantee that marriage will grant one that. And I just had to laugh at your view about why 2012 is THE year for getting married...you may be right! ;)

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    1. High-five!!!! That's precisely what I mean..Companionship these days is not really restricted to a well-defined, legalised relationship like marriage alone is it? Like my friend says, I seek a bit of fulfillment from numerous relationships - some needs of mine are fulfilled by my dearest friends, others by my boyfriend and several other transitory but equally important needs by people who happen to be around when I need them the most!! We need all these relationships and more..marriage is not a one-stop shop is it now?

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