Thursday, September 20, 2012

The Fight Against Cancer

My family has a terrible secret in its closet...Everyone knows, but few acknowledge, we all seek solace in the medical truth that it is not hereditary...

Today I lost another family member to cancer...

Dad's brother - the one closest to him in age.

A death in the family is a jolt in multiple ways - you worry about the impact it has on family members, you wonder about the impact it has on those older than the one dead - its an alarm of your mortality too. No one wants to admit that death scares them. That unknown abyss that we plunge into leaving behind all our loved ones, our responsibilities, our dreams, hopes and aspirations.

This is the third member of his closest family that has succumbed to cancer. My grandfather on Dad's side, his oldest son and the second one - my two uncles- out of a family of 9, three deaths due to cancer is already an odd of 1 in 3.


My last meeting with my uncle was in April this year. As he gave me my Vishu kaineettam, he smiled as if he knew a secret none of us did and said he does not see much life left in him. He wasn't diagnosed then, I remember telling him to not think negatively. He smiled then and said I know. He was a good astrologer, perhaps he believed the planets were unfavourable. I find it difficult to live by horoscopes. But then his prediction rang in my head as I got the call this afternoon saying he's no more.


The day my uncle was diagnosed, I remember feeling a gut-wrenching fear. The patterns are the same, the writing is on the wall. Everyone in Dad's family has a weak stomach - they are prone to acidity, stomach cramps and living life on Gelusil and other antacids. Ulcers and stomach ailments are usually brushed deep into the medical charts as no one wants to compromise on the spice in their food or a change to their diet. Two brothers in two years - the pattern is a little too frequent for comfort. I have realised with a sense of disquiet that my young-at-heart father is now feeling age catch up with him - perhaps when you lose people you grow up with, that sense of passing time is inescapable.

Could we have done anything to keep my uncle alive for longer? The rational head says he died before the pain and suffering got the better of him. He died within three days of the realisation settling in that it was not chronic stomach ulcers that were the cause of his illness but cancer that had eaten into his stomach and liver.

Many in my family seek solace in leaving it all to destiny. Was there a way the cancer could have been detected at an early stage, giving him a better chance to seek cure? Death does not wait for anyone, sure it does not, but how do those that are touched by death but have to continue living embrace the finality of it? How do you learn to continue living a new life after thirty five years of togetherness? I fear for the living, the dead as they say are in a better place, where no suffering touches them.

For the living, the scars and regrets last their lifetime.

I wish there was a way of beating hereditary predispositions. I wish there was a way of not having to constantly brace for errant mutant cells that corrode organs and then slowly sound the death-knell. For a while at least, I know, every little niggle, every hint of pain comes with the paranoia of whether I'm ignoring warning signs from my body, whether Dad is from his.

We don't have a choice, do we?? We make the best of what's in our control - just cock our ears to what our body is trying to tell us perhaps?? And even as we do it, give our best to bringing that smile on the face of our loved one..leave a lot of happy memories that like helium balloons float around, bringing smiles even through tears.

Here's a toast to all those who have gone ahead, watching us from there.. Hope you all are together, hope that we have a home to come to, when we eventually make our way there some day.


 

18 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. It can be scary when we see a pattern or even when we think we see one. you have rightly said that we tend to ignore the seemingly simple symptoms of acidity and heartburn, but then it need not always turn out to be cancer. Still, we should listen to our bodies and take normal precautions and safeguard against anything serious if we can help it.

    May God give you and your family the strength to bear this enormous loss.

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    1. Thank you Aunty.. I guess though we expected this eventuality, the abruptness of it was a bit unexpected. It was like he hadn't had the time to say his goodbyes.

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  2. I do not know if it is repectful to talk at this stage, but I find deaths that can be avoided and ourselves have engineered more tragic. My cousin two months ago died after contracting HIV from her husband. Now speculations are abound as to how her husband contracted HIV in the first place.

    It was sad to hear how she died a slow, painful death. A month later her father died of a heart attack.

    I must admit, we never had much connection after my father and my uncle never spoke to each other after an argument, he broke down in tears after the news.

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    1. Death in the family is always a difficult time and sometimes people can be insensitive too..

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  3. I would pray to God to give you and your family strength to bear this difficult phase.
    Sometimes all we can do is try to live healthy life style and leave the rest to Him.

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    1. Thanks Blue Lotus..sometimes writing is a wonderful form of healing. I was sitting far away and unable to get there in time for his funeral. This was my way of mourning him, I guess..

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  4. My dear D,

    My condolences on the death of ur uncle.
    I am not so sure about whether cancer is hereditary or not. But there are some precautions.

    1. Stick to a vegetarian diet.
    2. Avoid processed foods, since they contain a lot of carcinogenic chemicals in trace doses.
    3. Drink lots of water, so that u are giving ur body enough water to flush out toxins.
    4. Exercise regularly, in such a way that u sweat a lot. This gets rid of toxins through the skin.
    5. Smile a lot; laugh at urself; be happy.

    Finally, hope u r lucky to live as long as u deserve.

    Peace and love,
    - Joe.

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    1. Thank you Joe. Sometimes believing in destiny strengthens the ability to move on..sometimes nothing gives the solace needed.

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  5. D, Very sorry to hear about your loss. Death of a loved one reminds us of our mortality but that should not make living a burden for others. I feel that whatever has to happen will happen. All we can do is try to be as healthy as we can. Hang in there.

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    1. Hugs V... My dad was very very close to him, they literally grew up together..sometimes I feel I'm grieving more for his loss than even how it is personally affecting me.

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  6. Really sorry to hear about your loss. May your uncle's soul rest in peace and hope you and your family have the courage to face your loss. Most of all I hope this is the end of such tragic losses for your family and wish you all good health. Take care and stay well...Kalyan

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    1. Thank you Kalyan...Really touched by all the comments and responses..I think sometimes we write for release..to vent out our secret misgivings and fears...things that we sometimes can't speak openly about within the family... Appreciate all the wishes you sent across!! D

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  7. First time on your blog. May he rest in peace. Such a sensitive topic, close to heart, handled with poise. It is a difficult time indeed thinking about the loved ones but I hope you find strength in these times.

    Cheers to good health.

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    1. Thank you so much! Sometimes I find a lot of peace in just writing. :) And sometimes the comments and wise thoughts that come from readers provide the much needed solace..

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  8. Hugs! I am so sorry to hear about this. May he rest in peace.

    This post made me think a lot. true that - we are ill equipped to fight with diseases (traits even, sometimes) that are passed on from one generation to the other. All we can really do is try and control the things that we think are in our control.

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    1. Seriously, our life is such a frantic run towards sometimes-I-wonder-what!! And then by the time you can regret, life is over and then the regrets over lost time, time not spent with loved ones, what could have been done to make the best of it emerges.. Its scary, worrying and disillusioning...

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  9. Terribly sorry to hear about your loss Deepathy. long time back I wrote a post, where I wished we could just get back those times and put it into a photo frame for life. One of my friends wished for a reunion once a year. That would have been splendid, isn't it?

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    1. The thing is Jenny, we as a race wallow in memories - everything in the past suddenly gains a sheen and lustre. We rarely value the present or live in the moments it offers!!

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